為什麼女孩？

郭曉君

以前我總在想，“人從哪裡來，為了什麼活著？為什麼活著那麼累？”我來自非基督徒家庭。那時，我媽媽信佛，爸爸雖然不信，但尊重她的信仰。跟爸爸一樣，我和弟弟也是沒有信仰的，但卻經常被媽媽逼著要去拜拜、求平安。即便是這樣，那時小小的我，心裡仍然感到空虛，找不到心裡的平安。也許是因為家族重男輕女的關係，令我感覺到自己的存在是多餘的，因為每個人都把注意力放到了弟弟的身上。 那時，有聽說過“耶穌”，但對於宗教，我一直很抗拒。後來得知身邊的一個朋友Shirley的一家是基督徒。她媽媽對我好像自己的女兒一樣，而經常臉上帶著笑容。這使我產生了 好奇，為什麼對我那麼好？為什麼總是帶著笑容，難道他們生活中都沒有不開心的事情嗎？”

我以為事情一直會那麼順利下去，直到兩個月後，聽爸爸說他得了晚期肺癌。我整個人崩潰了，我問神，“為什麼要讓這件事情發生在爸爸身上？”之後的一段時間，爸爸都在做化療。
但化療對他來說似乎一點用都沒有，他完全沒有像普通病人該有的病狀，比如：掉頭髮。直到有一天，爸爸突然不能走路了，被送到了溫哥華綜合醫院。雖然碰到了這樣的事情，但自己還是堅持去教堂為爸爸禱告，希望爸爸快點好起來。也在那時候，我真正的意識到了，自己是多麼的沒用，多麼的脆弱。我以前一直以為，“人定勝天”，原來我錯了。人由天定，人定不能勝天。因為當上帝想帶走你的時候，你什麼都不能做。每一次一聽到爸爸在醫院有什麼異常的狀況，我都會很害怕地跪下，哭著禱告求主讓爸爸快點好起來。而每一次，我去到醫院，爸爸就像平常一樣一點事情都沒有。因為主說，“你們祈求，就給你們；尋找，就尋見；叩門，就給你們開門。”（馬太福音7：7）

爸爸是很要強的人，一向只相信他自己。因為信自己比較實際，比較可靠。但當他躺在病床上的時候，他卻曾有好多次都跟我說，他想信耶穌。但因為媽媽信佛，加上是家族男丁的原因，他覺得還是算了。

之前，我一直想讓爸爸留下來，我甚至求神折我的壽命10年去換取爸爸的10年壽命，讓我有機會去孝順他。但當我看到爸爸右邊脖子上的癌細胞從原本有的兩顆，到了很多顆的時候，我意識到強留爸爸，是讓病魔折磨他，不是真正為他好。於是，我跟主說，“主阿，你可以帶走爸爸，但求你讓他在走前，相信你。”感謝主，祂聽了我的禱告。爸爸在轉進安寧病房的三天當中，我們順利地聯絡上了遠在異國的媽媽。我跟媽媽分享了我的見證，媽媽同意讓爸爸相信耶穌。第二天早上，我就打電話請了教會的余牧師、蕭長老等來幫爸爸施洗。爸爸是在2008年11月16號走的，他走得很安詳，臉上還帶著一絲的微笑。而我是在那年的11月2號受洗的，而在短短兩個星期裡，我們父女兩就都得救歸主了，這不是神跡是什麼？經過這麼多年，發生了好多的事情。但主一直帶領著我，走過了生活中一切的大浪風暴。主說:“在指望中要喜樂，在患難中要忍耐，禱告要恆切。”（羅馬書12：12）我明白了，每個人的存在和被創造，都不是徒然的，神在每一個人的身上都有著美好的旨意。神為每個人量身定做了不一樣的十字架，有些輕，有些重，但都是我們所能背的起的。我們往往為使我重擔能夠輕一些，而選擇了捷徑。但因為這樣，我們往往看不到神美好的恩典。所以不管如何都不要輕易的放棄，因為神一直都在，一直愛著你。還有我們活著不光是為了我們的責任，還有我們的大使命—傳福音。

Why a Girl？

Cherry Guo

I used to think, “ Where are people coming from? Why people are alive? Why it is so hard for people to earn a living? ” I was born and raised as a none-believer. At that time, my Mum believed in Buddhism. My Dad was not a Buddhist, but he respected my Mum ’ s religion. The same as Dad, both my younger brother and I didn ’ t have any religion. However, all of us were often forced to go temple with my Mum. We were there for worshipping Buddha and seeking peace. However, as a little girl, I felt no peace but emptiness in my heart. This might be because my family valued boys much more than girls. All the attention was on my brother, which made me feel that I was someone surplus. 

In 2004, Dad took my brother and me to Canada. I was 13 years old at the time. When I first came to Canada, here was a foreign land for me. I could speak little English, and I knew little friends. I often called my Mum in tears, “ I want to go home. I don ’ t want to stay here. ” However, all my fears disappeared after a while. Dad worked all the time. He often left early and came home late and my step mother shouted at me for little reasons. As a result, I often wondered, “ Why did my Mum give birth to me? Why is it so tired to live in this world? Why am I unhappy? ” 

I had heard about Jesus at the time. However, I was against religion. Until I had a Christian friend Shirley, I then personally connected to a Christian family. Her Mum treated me like her own daughter. She smiled all the time. This made me curious. “ Why does she treat me so well? Why does she always smile? Doesn ’ t she have any trouble in life? ” 

It was the Easter of 2008 I was invited to Willingdon Church by my friends Candy, Shirley and Shirley ’ s family. At that time, I was touched by worship music in church. There was a big screen in sanctuary. On the screen, there was a guy in white. My eyes were caught by this guy. I was wondering who he was. Why was he crucified on a cross? Later, I knew that he was Jesus, the only son of God. He had been crucified for all the sin in this world. He did this for every sinful person on earth. He was our lord and saviour. After I attended Discovery Class in Willingdon, I finally understood why people in church were always smiling. It was not because they were living in a fairy tale; it was because they were willing to let God take control in every area of their life. They knew that God would listen to their prayer; God would make a way when there was no way. After we casted all of our burdens to God and focused on what we ought to do at the moment, we would feel so free. Therefore, I found the foundation of a joyful heart. Meanwhile, I also figured out the fundamental reason why so many people had felt empty in their hearts. Love was the reason. I finally understood that I had been looking for love, and God taught us in John 3:16, “ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ” Was there any love greater than God ’ s love? There had been nothing as selfless as Jesus ’ love. 

I thought everything would go smoothly forever until two months later. One day, Dad told me he got late lung cancer. When I heard this news, I was crushing. I asked God, “ Why do you allow this disaster to happen? Why it happens to my Dad? ” After that, Dad was under chemotherapy. However, Chemotherapy showed no effect on him. Dad did not lose any hair like the some other patients. And then, he suddenly couldn ’ t walk anymore. He then was sent to Vancouver General Hospital. When I was experiencing such a hardship, I determined to go Church all the same. I went there to pray for my Dad. I hoped Dad would recover very soon. It was also during that period, I discovered that how useless I was. I was so weak. I used to believe that human beings could conquer the universe. I then realized how wrong I had been. A person couldn ’ t control his life, and a person couldn ’ t conquer the whole universe. When God wanted to take you to somewhere, no one could do anything about it. Whenever I heard Dad was not feeling well in the hospital, I was so scared. I often kneed down in front of my bed and cried to the Lord for his mercy. 

I prayed that God would heal my Dad. And then, Dad would look as good as any healthy man when I reached the hospital. It proved what Lord had told us in the Bible, “ Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ” (Matthew 7:7) My Dad was a very independent person. He had only believed his own ability. He thought being independent was the most reliable lifestyle on earth. However, when he was lying in bed, he told me several times that he wanted to believe in Jesus. On the other hand, because of my Mum ’ s religion and my family tradition, he was hesitated to do so. 

At the beginning, to extend my Dad ’ s life was all I want. I even asked God to take away 10 years of my life to exchange Dad ’ s. I sincerely hoped that I could have chance to take care of my Dad. However, when I saw Dad was suffering day and night because of the cancer, I realized that to live longer was not the best choice for him. Then, I told Lord, “ Dear Lord, you can take my Dad away. However, please make him believe in you before you do so. ” I praised the Lord because he heard my prayer. 

Before my Dad past away, he stayed in hospice for three days. Within these 3 days, we successfully contacted my Mum who was overseas at the time. I shared my testimony with her, which made her allow Dad to believe in Jesus. On the morning of next day, I called Willingdon Church. Pastor came and baptized my Dad. My Dad passed away on November 16, 2008. When he left for heaven, he was very peaceful. His facial expression was so happy that you could even see his smile. I had been baptized on November 02. Within two weeks, both my Dad and I were saved by our Lord. How amazing it was! 

Many years have passed; there are a lot of things have happened in my life. It is my Lord who has leaded me all the way to here. No matter how big the problem was, he has faithfully guided me. Lord told me through book of Romans 12:12, “ Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ” I now finally understand that there is no accident in God. Every person is created for a purpose. A person exists in this world because there is this good purpose that God has specially designed for him. God has created different kinds of crosses for each person. Each cross is specially designed, too. Some of them are lighter than the other, but all of them are within the limits of their carriers. Often, we choose a short cut in order to make our crosses lighter. 

However, we will miss God ’ s wonderful grace when we make such a decision. Therefore, don ’ t give up in all circumstances because God is always here with you. He has always loved you. Moreover, we are alive not only for our responsibilities in this world. Most of all, we are here for our great mission — preaching the gospel.

我要結婚了

小米 

有一天, 我坐在電視機旁。 

電視裡正在放廣告。

廣告裡，一個兒子告訴他媽媽，“媽，我要結婚了？” 

媽媽：“是哪個女孩子？” 

兒子：“那不是一個女孩子……” 

我：“天哪？！別告訴我那是個男的！！！” 

兒子：“我要娶的是一塊培根……” 

我：“還好他愛上塊培根，那總比愛上別的什麼好——毫無疑問的……” 

我室友：#$^%&*()%^$#@$%|||

I am getting married

Zizian

 

One day, I was sitting beside my TV.

There came an ad.

In the ad, a son told his Mum, “ Mum, I am getting married. ”

His Mum: “ Who is that girl? ”

Son: “ It ’ s not a girl … ”

I was like, “ Holy!!! Don ’ t tell me that it ’ s a guy!!! ”

Son, “ It is bacon … ”

Me: “ He is better to marry the bacon than anything else … for sure … ”

My roommate: #$^%&*()%^$#@$% |||

回頭的浪子

作者：姚強 | 翻譯：蕭凌

我離開基督已經有好一陣子了。大部分時間我都在獨處中度過，沒有任何人、或是任何事物相伴。要知道，這一刻我寫下的，也許是我此生中最真誠的文字。誰知道以後我還是否能以同樣的真誠來表達自己的情感呢？！試想一下，我將自己反鎖在一個與世隔絕、伸手不見五指的屋子裡，坐在地板上，將我的想法毫無保留地寫下來。為你們、為我自己，但更重要的，是為了上帝，我再也不願有絲毫的隱瞞。如果願意的話，你可以將它稱為我的《懺悔錄》。

這篇文字，在某種程度上（如果可以的話）是為了推翻我之前的那篇反思，現在看來，那不過是一個失去理智的瘋子對上帝聲嘶力竭的吼叫。我曾經說過，情感是導致我離開基督的真正原因。而現在的我知道，單純由情感主導的行為，若缺乏理智的引導，往往將人引向更進一步的絕望、痛苦與自我矛盾的危險境地。對這種做事全憑一時感情衝動的人，我們往往稱之為“精神失常”——我就是這種人。我不是背叛上帝，而是背叛了我自己對上帝的情感。

我有一個秘密，一個我曾盡一切可能向家人、朋友和所有愛我的人隱藏的秘密。更糟的是，（如果可以的話）我甚至試圖向無所不知的上帝隱瞞。那個秘密就是——我需要上帝。沒錯，這就是我竭力深藏的秘密：我渴慕上帝如同飢餓的人渴望食物。離開祂，我無法與人友善相處；離開祂，我無法繼續生活；最壞的是，失去祂，我也失去了愛的能力。我對上帝的依賴，更甚於我對空氣的依賴。失去上帝，我彷彿失去了一位曾與我親密無間的良伴；其實這些都不足以描述我對上帝依賴的萬分之一。我想這其中一定有什麼超自然的因素在發揮作用。甚至我會說，這種“依賴”不止是“需要”——即空白無物之處需要被填滿的那種“需要”——這麼簡單，而是一種出於本能的依賴。

簡單來說，水之所以流動，乃是因為它是水而非別的什麼東西；鳥之所以翱翔，亦是因為它是鳥而非別的什麼東西。任何事物的結果都取決於其本質。我需要上帝，不止因為祂能填補我內心的空白（無可否認這也是原因之一），更是取決於我是人的這一本質。在我內心深處，有一種其他受造物所缺少的東西。正如水的自由流動、鳥兒任意飛翔的天性，在我的靈魂裡深藏著對上帝的渴慕，即使是在我放棄信仰的時候，我也始終不認為自己是一個無神論者。也許我更像一個悲傷的自然神論者。我確信這個世界有一位上帝，就像我確信自己活著那樣地堅定。然而這個信念卻加深了我對上帝的反抗。特別是當我清醒地意識到現實世界有許多悲傷痛苦時，我對上帝公正公平的判斷力產生了懷疑，而這將我推到離祂更遠的地方。
需要澄清的是，我對上帝的糾結不全在於發生了什麼不幸的事件，而在於我意識到，無論天父是多麼地充滿慈愛憐憫，痛苦和不幸卻依然讓人無所遁形。最讓我恐懼的是，這一切的不幸上帝都全然知道，可祂卻選擇站在遠處觀望。就這樣，我曾經以為自己看破了一切。
這就涉及到了我們日常生活裡這樣那樣問題日復一日，堆積如山的關鍵所在，這也是上帝將我們從沉睡中喚醒的契機。當我們開始認真思考自己的日常生活，常常發現在那件光鮮華麗的外衣底下，似乎總少了點什麼。在歡樂的時光裡，人卻常常會不由自主地想到這些嚴肅的主題。或許，當懦弱的我們嘗試把自己隱藏在自我假想的歡樂背後，那些被我們遺忘的，甚至從未被注意過的事情，真有什麼意義也說不定。

或許，讓我們經歷生活中的風暴，是上帝在喚醒我們的過程當中唯一之選。通過這樣的方式，祂既無需違反我們的自由，又能粉碎我們自娛的外表。或許這樣，也只有這樣，我們才能看到自己穿著皇帝新裝下的赤身露體，才能意識到自己如同剛斷奶的嬰孩需要母親一樣需要上帝。到那時，我們會發現所有的一切——財富、人際關係、甚至我們自己本身——都已不再重要。人也許會有無力幫助他人的時候，但請勿假設上帝在幫助（或“拯救”）一個人時也會無力。正如我前面所說的，祂已經完成了救贖之工，祂已將萬有都捨棄了。祂想要伸手拉我們一把，但我們（我）卻總是狠狠地把門關上。祂盡一切努力，嘗試用悲傷痛苦把我們沉睡的靈魂喚醒，但我們卻往往不願從麻木的睡眠中醒來。不是祂把我們變成困苦之子，而是我們自己。祂為我們而悲痛，不是因為祂失去了什麼至寶，而是我們失去了最可珍貴的東西——上帝自己。

最後，我還想說，悲傷是真實的，痛苦也是。一個人若口口聲聲說相信基督，卻沒有對人生的痛苦做出認真地反思的話，我認為這個人一定非常無知。在這方面，基督教的反思遠遠超過我們所需要知道的（或我們認為需要知道的）。我們想要得到安慰。想要得到安慰本身並沒有錯，但若只貪圖今生的舒適而忽視永恆的避風港的話，這人的腦袋一定是出了什麼問題。我們此刻的安逸、愉悅和喜樂，只是一個個在漫漫旅途中支起的臨時帳篷。我們當然能從這帳篷裡享受片刻的舒適和滿足，但這些卻不能代替我們歸家的真正需要。誠然，我們可以把這些帳篷當成是我們的家，在其中尋找安息。但很快的，時間會告訴我們，無論這些帳篷外表看起來有多麼牢固，始終不是我們永久的避風港。

上帝最不希望看到的，就是我們躲在帳篷後面享受一時的滿足，卻最終失喪；祂希望我們回家。悲傷痛苦就如一陣陣把我們居住的帳篷吹得東倒西歪的強風，有時候甚至把帳篷刮倒，將我們赤裸裸地暴露在殘酷的現實中：有蛀蟲和鐵鏽腐壞、侵蝕我們在地上的財寶。這一現實將我們麻木的感覺和思想摧毀，讓我們清醒過來，轉而思念永恆，渴慕永不改變的上帝。
我們在天上的父啊，如果生命的悲傷痛苦無可避免，如果再也沒有其他方法能讓我們的心安息在你懷中，如果你——唯獨你——是我們唯一的盼望和生命，那麼就讓悲傷和痛苦來得更猛烈些吧！

我覺得我很有必要記下下面的話作為結束語:我比以前變得更成熟、更有智慧、更有信心（這些唯有上帝知道）。剛開始意識到這一點的時候我有些迷惑，我曾以為對信仰的背叛會讓我永遠失去信心，我再也不會用敬虔的基督徒的眼光來看待上帝，信仰對我將不再重要。但神奇的是，事情的發展並不像我預想中的那樣。恰恰相反，我開始慢慢體會到基督的真義。經歷這些之後，上帝對於我來說變得更加真實。有限的文字，實在難以解釋這一切。就像我緊緊地把沙子攢在手心裡，但沙子卻從指縫之中流走了。但當我鬆開拳頭，輕輕地將沙子捧於掌心，沙子卻不再四散。也許我太想依靠自己的力量作一個好基督徒，可是，靠自己的力量成聖卻不是上帝的旨意，因為祂知道我做不到。除非在背上插上翅膀，否則我永遠不能飛翔。又或許我只有真正放手，才能懂得如何被上帝充滿。這就是上帝所說，要放下自己，背起自己的十字架跟隨祂。只有到那時，我們才會開始放下對上帝自私、無休止、毀滅性的背叛，才會鬆開反對上帝的拳頭，伸出雙掌接過祂所賜的魚和麵包。實情是：天父不僅賜我們魚和麵包，祂更把自己賜給了我們。

如果有一件事情，是比我還活著這個事實更讓我深信不疑，那就是在我的心裡，上帝比以前更加重要。如同與一位好友共同走完一段長長的，充滿艱難險阻的旅程，之前的陌生旅伴，現在已經變得熟悉到知曉他的喜好和性格。上帝是一位讓人充滿喜樂、可以真正去依靠的良朋益友。我不再只是知道祂的存在，而是與祂建立起相知相交的親密關係。上帝不止讓人充滿喜樂，一切美善也都全在於祂。我知道，我不再把基督信仰當成是一個宗教，或是一套哲學系統，而是來到上帝純全的愛裡。就這樣，不再逃避。

U turn

 David Yao

It has been quite a while that I have left the Christian faith. A lot of times I spent alone with nothing else, no one else, just alone. You must know that I am writing this in the outmost honest state of my life. I would even say that I am afraid that I might never be this honest again. You must imagine me sitting here on the floor; lock myself in a complete dark room, writing this in a complete emotional naked state. I want not to hind anything; I just want to be honest, to you, to myself, and most of all to God. And if you will, you can say that this is indeed my true confession. This writing of mine, is in a way to take back (if I can) all the things I have said in my other writing “ Confession ” . It must be admitted that I was writing the “ Confession ” as if I am screaming and yelling at God like a man who is completely out of his mind. I have said that it is emotion that has triggered me to walk away from God. Now I notice that emotion, without a clear conscious of the action, can and will lead to dangerous results that leaves nothing but more confusion, hurt, and pain. 

We call a man “ out of his mind ” when he reacts according to nothing but pure emotions (usually bad ones to some extreme). I was such a man. I have not cheated God; I have cheated myself from God. 

I have a secret. It has been sometime that I tried all I can to hide this secret from friends, family, those who care and love me, and worst of all from God (that is if ever I can hide anything from a Being who is all knowing). So here is my secret; I need God. There it is, that is my most honest answer, if not, craving. 

I cannot be kind to others without him; I cannot live without him; worst of all, I cannot even love without him. I need him as much as I need air to live, if not, more, much more. I have said this to some of my friends that leaving God is like missing a dearly loved friend, a friend who I used to be very close with. But, now, as I recall, even that is not nearly enough to describe the need of Him within me. There is something supernatural about this. I would even say that this ‘ need of him ’ is no mere ‘ need ’ (as in some void that needs to be filled); it is something that happens intrinsically, from its own nature. Let me give you a simple example to make clear of what I mean. Water can flow for no other reason other than it is water, so does a bird can fly for no other particular reason other than it is a bird. The result is only an outcome of its own nature. I need God not only because He can and will fill the void within me (although that is one reason), but also because I am a human being. There is something intrinsic within me that the other animal creatures just don ’ t have. Just as water, by nature, flows; Birds, by nature, fly; I, by nature, crave for God. 

I was not an atheist during the time I renounced my Christian faith. I was much resembled as a sad-deist. There is a God. It is as certain to me as I am aware that I am alive. Nevertheless, such realization seemed to aggravate my problem against God. It was very natural to me to push away God and distrust His fair and better judgments, especially as I have come to realize the reality of much pain and suffering. It must be said that my struggle against God has not all to do with whatever misfortunes that have happened, but has to do with my realization of the much pain and suffering that will surely arrive under the providence of a Loving Father. What seemed most frightful to me was my complete awareness that God knows all about this, but chooses to stand afar. But much to what I thought I have understood; I was wrong. 

Here is where I believe our problems of discomfort begins to pile up; this is also where I believe God awakes us. When we begin to take concern of our daily mundane life, we find that there are indeed times when we look at the pleasurable outfits we always clothed ourselves with and see something missing within. Be not surprised, times such as these may come to a man during a merry day. Perhaps it really means something, something we so often ignore and take not even the slightest notice of when we tends to hide ourselves cowardly behind the disillusion of our own happiness. And perhaps storms of life is the only way which God chooses to use to stripe away our self-satisfying outfits without violating and taking away our freedom. Perhaps then, only then, shall we truly come to our naked self and begin to realize our very nature and our child-like need of something more – God. By then, nothing else – wealth, natural relationship, ourselves – seems to matter anymore. Let us not assume that God is, in any way, helpless in helping us (perhaps “ saving us ” would be a much better term) like we are, in times, helpless to help others. As I have said, He has done it. He sacrificed everything. He wants to reach in and help us, but we (I) often shut the door against Him. He tries His best to awake our souls to Him with stings of pain and suffering, but we are bothered and do not want to be awaken from our numb sleep. He is not making us the children of poverty, we are. He weeps for us, not that He is losing something valuable, but we are losing the only valuable thing – God. 

At last I want to say pain is real, so is suffering. And I would think it is absolutely naive and ignorant for a man to say that the Christian faith has not done enough concern to such problem. It has, and not only it has, it has gave us more than we needed (or what we think we needed). What we need is comfort. There is nothing wrong in comfort itself, but there is something wrong when we make our earthly comfort the everlasting shelter. It simply has not been one and never will be. Our current comfort, merry, and joy are like tents that we often setup in the wood after a long road of traveling. Surely we can get comfort and satisfaction from it, but it should never replace our real need, which is to finally return home. We can, of course, regard such tent as our ‘ home ’ and rest well in it. But soon, with only a matter of time, we will find that this tent, no matter how strong, will not hold. The last thing that God want us to have is to be satisfied with that tent and be lost; He wants us home. Pain and suffering is that wind that pushes our tents to the extreme, sometimes even knocks over our tents and exposes us to the hard reality. It is perhaps the moth and rust that eats away our earthly treasure. It knocks us out of our numbed feelings and thoughts, it forces us to yearn and hope, it arouse within us the natural need for the everlasting. That everlasting is God. So, our Heavenly Father, if our life must face pain and suffering, and if there is simply no other ways for us to reconcile our ever restless heart onto You, and if You, and only You are our hope and life, then so be it of everything. 

I want to conclude this writing with this last part, which I find it necessary to write. I have grown more mature, wiser, and (only God truly knows) more faithful. Something puzzled me when I first realized it. I have always concluded that this leave of mine has brought me away from faith forever. I may almost never see God the same way again as any God-loving Christians would. Faith would never make any sense to me any longer. But this, somehow miraculously, is not the way I thought it would turn out. Much to the contrary, somehow I begin to slowly see the true value of Faith in God. Somehow after all this, God became more true to me than before. It is hard to explain with my mere words. It is like when I try to hold on to sand with a firm grip, the sands slips away from the intervals of my fingers. But when I lose my grip and only gently upholding the sand with an open palm, I find that I, somehow, can attain more without losing any. 

Perhaps I tried too hard to be good on my own and that God never wanted me to be good or coming to know Him on my own, for He knows that I can ’ t. I can no more do so than I can grow wings and fly. Perhaps it is only when I let go, that I begin to understand how to be filled. This is perhaps why our Lord tells us that we must die to ourselves; we must carry our own crosses. It is when, and only when, not a moment earlier, we begin to let go of our own selfish, endless, and destructive rebellion against God, then shall we cease to hold our fist again God and receive His gives of fishes and bread with an open palm. Perhaps I have even diminished the reality. Because the truth is that our Heavenly Father does not only give us fishes and breads, He gives us Himself. 

If there is one thing I am sure of, other than that I am alive, is that God matters to me more than before. It is like after walking through a long journey of troubles and problems with a friend, who at the beginning was not much familiar with me, I see the true nature of that man – his habits and traits. And I find him truly delightful, a real reliable and trustworthy friend to have. What begins as only to know about that he exists, in the end, turns out to know him. Only God is not only delightful, He is everything good. I realize that I am not coming to Christianity as a religion, I am not coming to a philosophical framework, nor I am, in a sense, coming to His sheer love, I am coming to Him, period.

開花的枝子 — — 黃科文的見證

黃科文

我自幼就是一個個性好強又貪心的女孩子。高中時，我參加了學校小提琴、鋼琴、合唱團等各種音樂團體，並多次擔任活動主辦。在校外，無論是跳舞、聲樂、鋼琴、畫畫等活動，只要我想要的就都為自己爭取。而在這些活動中取得的優異成績，令我十分驕傲，高中畢業時又順利考入自己嚮往已久的大學。然而，就在我滿心以為倚靠自己的能力和才華能夠為自己計畫未來的時候，上帝讓我經歷了祂對我出生至今最深的管教。

從小，我就患有慢性皮膚炎。父母帶我四處求醫，但收效甚微。無奈之下，只能寄希望於醫生樂觀的看法：等到青春期體質改變後，皮膚狀況自然就會慢慢好轉。

然而天不遂人願，從高中開始，我的皮膚狀況卻每況愈下。每次皮膚病發作，我都拿類固醇藥物將病情強行壓制下來。這種藥物初時非常見效，每次一擦立刻就好了。但到兩年前預備要讀大學時，我的病情已經完全無法受類固醇藥物的控制。臉上的皮膚破裂流汁，結痂之後再流汁，又覆蓋在原來乾掉的痂上面。脖子上都是又長又深的傷口，完全不能轉動。全身可用“體無完膚”來形容。病情加重到了一個地步，使我甚至喪失了一個正常人最基本的自理能力：沒有辦法自己洗頭，只能由母親在洗手台上幫我洗；全身的皮膚有太多的傷口，將近五個月我不能洗澡；沒有辦法張開嘴吃飯，因為臉上滿是傷口和痂，母親只能小口小口的餵我吃；沒有辦法刷牙，因為牙刷沒辦法塞進嘴裡；沒有辦法笑；沒有辦法哭；最令我痛苦的是打噴嚏時，無法控制臉上的肌肉，在打噴嚏的那一瞬間，劇烈動作又會把舊傷口重新拉開。沒有一個晚上我可以安然入睡，身體不由自主地發顫，母親只有在我身邊抱著我，安慰我。有時候，身上的養發作起來，就躺在地上全身發抖。身邊的人看著我卻無能為力，我只能用自己打臉的方式來解決。明知這種虐待自己的行為只能緩解一時，而且越打越多汁液流出來，只能更加嚴重，可在當時卻是我唯一的解決方法。這些在旁人眼中看來是再平常不過的小事，可在那些艱難的日子裡，對於我來說每天都是極大的挑戰。我曾經無數次的問神，這是為什麼？為什麼要讓祂所愛的兒女經歷這些痛苦？直到上帝把我所引以為傲的一切都收走，我才明白這是上帝對我驕傲的罪的管教。我跟上帝說，我什麼都不要了，甚至百分之百確定要退學，只要祂醫治我。

直到七月的一天，我在靈修時讀到一節經文，感覺上帝在藉著這節經文跟我說話，是路加福音1:24—25：“這些日子以後，他的妻子以利沙伯懷了孕，就隱藏了五個月，說：主在眷顧我的日子，這樣看待我，要把我在人間的羞恥除掉。”我跟媽媽說，上帝說他第五個月就會醫治我了。沒想到媽媽也有同樣的感動，她在靈修時讀到《啟示錄》中提到受苦五個月。神是信實的！到了九月份，我的皮膚快速康復，讓我預備好可以回學校上課。算起來四月到八月，真的是五個月的時間!感謝主，祂不會誤事，祂的時間永遠安排奇妙！

然而在接下來上帝繼續醫治我的過程中，卻一波三折。首先是主治醫師被頻頻更換。剛開始時，我雖然相信按著上帝的時間，祂會全然醫治我。可是每次就診時，我都在心裡暗暗希望：“噢，這個醫生會幫助我好起來。”每當我產生這種想法時，上帝就讓我換一個醫生。直到最後，我完全沒有辦法，只能定睛仰望從神而來的醫治，而非相信誇口自己醫術高明的醫生。

後來，爸爸回台灣時查出患上白血病。媽媽聽到消息後，一天之內火速趕回了台灣。以前上學期間，爸媽每天開車載我上學，還未下課就已等在校外要載我回家。每個禮拜送我到溫哥華PNE遊樂園附近看中醫、幫我煎藥；我身體稍有不適，就立即幫我按摩、幫我洗澡、幫我寫功課、陪我聊天解悶。但現在卻突然在一天之內，上帝把我的這些依靠都拿走了。想到接下來我的眼睛還要進行開刀手術，我心裡一下子感到空蕩蕩的，沒有一點兒安全感，只是不停的哭。教會的輔導跟我談心，也有很多弟兄姊妹來鼓勵我和弟妹們。可是面對關心我的長輩們，我卻怎麼也無法說出我真正無助徬徨的原因：不是因為擔憂爸爸生命健康——因為我知道上帝的手托住他，他會沒事的；而是因為自己的軟弱。這樣的我未免太不孝順，太不懂事了吧？

可是，全能的上帝照顧的不僅是我的身體，祂同樣也細心看顧我心靈的需要。有一天，我無意中走到學校的咖啡廳。平時因人多，我總避而不去，可那天我坐下之後，恰巧看到隔壁坐著我的一個基督徒朋友。我唏哩嘩啦的跟她道出我心裡的徬徨與無助，她開導我要相信神在這些事情上的掌管，聽完她講以後我心裡平安了許多。上帝就是這樣在對的時間，為我預備了對的人，感謝主！還有，那段時間我只能自己坐公車去上學，去看醫生。雖然距離遙遠，上帝卻又早已完完全全的預備：我要搭乘的公車停在就在我家門前，只要坐這趟公車就可抵達學校，也可抵達中醫診所門口。你可以想像嗎？這個掌管宇宙萬物運行的上帝似乎在很早以前，就已預備好我在溫哥華的家、我的學校、中醫診所，甚至連這公車路線也是上帝早早就為我準備好的。每天我就這樣從家裡出發去上學，放學後搭公車去看醫生，看完醫生再搭同樣的公車就可回家。上帝的恩典滿溢！那段時間，我幾乎每晚都是快到天亮，聽到清晨鳥叫聲才能入睡，每天晚上只能睡半個小時。早上八點半的課，我七點起床，慢慢的準備煎藥、吃藥、擦藥，還要隨時預防自己會不舒服。可是上帝每天都幫助我，讓我在睡眠嚴重缺乏的情況下，精神飽滿地去上學。而在學習當中，上帝也處處為我預備，比如說很多需要與同學以小組為單位完成的作業，上帝幫都我預備了我這一組的成員：一次其中一個同學就住在我家隔壁，每天接送我上下學；另一次，一個同學讓我不必擔心任何與展示板有關的東西，也不會給我臉色。上帝真的是在所有的事情上完全掌管一切，祂為我做的事實在是太多，這樣講下去，講也講不完。

接下來的日子裡，皮膚狀況起伏不定，可是每次都憑藉上帝會醫治我的信心，心裡不再害怕、也不再徬徨。相信上帝的應許和祂的時間，靠著祂，我在軟弱裡得剛強。有時聽到朋友說：“上帝要修剪枝子，樹會很痛，上帝怎麼不趕快讓它開花？”可是我知道，上帝是要讓樹的根紮得更深，來年開花所結的果子才會更甜。

每次想起自己這兩年來走過的路，就忍不住掉眼淚，覺得自己在面對這難以形容的病痛時很辛苦。可痛苦中卻有上帝所賜的勇敢。在過去兩年時光中,神除去我驕傲的心，給換成一顆專心敬畏祂的心。祂將祂的道指教我：“我將你興起來,特要在你身上彰顯我的全能,並要使我的名傳遍天下。”（羅9:17）因著上帝美好的計劃和應許,我不再覺得這病對我來說是痛苦難關，反而,是個化妝的祝福。願榮耀讚美永永遠遠歸與上帝。