Written by Phoebe Liu Translated by Sean Kwong
My dad was admitted into the hospital on his way
to church on July 18th. Within two minutes after he entered the Intensive Care
Unit (ICU), the doctor issued a critical condition notice. He only had one
comment: “His situation is critical, you should be psychologically prepared.”
From my point of view, a doctor’s words, however extreme, are still a human's
words. I trust in GOD — it is God who can perform a miracle to save my dad. How
could the doctor understand this? I was confident of God's deliverance — at
least, I thought I was. In fact, I had been threatening God arrogantly. Aren't
you the ONE true and living God? Aren’t you the ONE who can make blind see and
crippled walk? Aren’t you the ONE who rose from the dead to life? Dad is not
even dead yet — surely this is an easy task for YOU. If YOU will, dad will wake
up for sure. I was arrogant up until my pastor and his wife came to visit my
dad. He asked us: “How are you? Do you find peace these days in your prayers? ”
Suddenly, my confidence was shattered. “ If dad does not wake up, I will not
believe anymore”, I replied to pastor. At that moment, tears flooded my eyes.
For the first time, I feared the other possibility.
“If dad does not wake up, I will not believe in
God anymore”. In the book of Jonah, the scripture says: "But God said to
Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" "I
do," he said. "I am angry enough to die." I became as irrational
as Jonah, and I am angry enough to die because of father's illness.
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| author's family photo |
Only after my dad was hospitalized did I realize
how much I loved my father. No longer did I feel ashamed of him or felt
unworthy because of him. But this sudden realization only served to intensify
my anger towards GOD. How dare God use my dad, my family's 25 years of
brokenness, and now my dad's death, to heal me? Anger and fear lead me to flee.
I kept telling myself this is only a dream and that dad would wake up one day.
On the third day, I sent text message to pastor
and his wife to inform them that my dad was still in a severe coma. The Pastor
replied to me: “The Lord certainly makes wonder. It will be either on you or on
your father. This is because HIS love above all your love. ” At that moment, my
eyes were fixed on that phrase — “on your father ” . Suddenly I felt my
strength return to me. I believed that a miracle would certainly happen. As we
were leaving the hospital later that evening, my husband’s phone rang. He
answered the call. “It is from hospital”, he silently mouthed to me. I felt my
blood pressure rising. He continued to speak with the person on the other end
of the line, “Are there any improvements on his condition?” he asked. I
couldn't take it anymore; I snatched the phone from him. The voice on the other
side said:” No improvements. The first three days his stomach had outflow and
he has not been able to intake. Now that the outflow has stopped, we may try
gastric tube feeding”. I felt that the miracle would happen anytime now, so I
rushed back home and prepared rice soup and milk so I could take it straight
back to hospital.
When I entered hospital ward, the doctor told me:
“Just after we finished phone call, his stomach started outflow again; now we
are not able to do tube feeding.” I was devastated. "My God, are you
kidding me?" But more than anger, more than disappointment, more than
bitterness — I felt fear.
During the days that my father was in critical
condition, my mind was very confused. Pray; fear; flashbacks; regrets — the
rest, for me, is blank. As I look back at my father's life, I realized that he
had a difficult one. He was hurt by many people: his parents, brothers,
friends, and even me — his daughter. My father was the eldest son of family. He
took good care of this family and friends. However, He did not know how to love
my mother or I, because his parents did not love each other, nor did they love
him. In the past 20 years, the three of us have only spent the past three
months together. I felt that God was taking my dad from me, and I really
couldn't understand. I expressed my anger with God to my sisters in Christ
saying, “ God does not like to see my family doing well! ”
On fourth day, doctor asked us: “It has been
three days. You need to a make decision. Your father no longer has
consciousness and active breathing. ” At that moment, I felt so weak. Why must
I be the executioner? He is my most beloved person. I even wished that I could
take my father's place in death. However, God had mercy on my weakness. Later
that morning, my father’s blood pressure dropped to around 60 and then he
passed away. Even before my 9:00 am appointment with the doctor, God removed my
responsibility from making such a difficult decision.
Looking back at last three month with my dad, my
heart no longer blames God. I now understand that it was HIS grace that gave us
a joyful reunion before my dad's passing. Twenty five years of alienation and
blockage cost us the closeness of talking openly to each other. But in those
last days, we were closer and happier than in any time of our past. For the
first time, I hugged my parents and told them “I love you”. For the first time,
my parents visited my house. For the first time, we went shopping together for
seafood in the supermarket. For the first time, I allowed my father take us out
for dinner. Although I knew that these first times would also be our last
times, it is by God ’ s love and grace that I could receive these beautiful
memories from my father before he left us.
Just as what pastor has said: “Lord’s love is
above my love.” HIS ways is higher than our ways and HIS thoughts than our
thoughts. From now on, and to unknown future, I will always get comfort from
these words from HIM.
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