Gift

Naomi | English Translation: Linda Yang

At 14, I realized for the first time that I was my own person, that I needed my own space, privacy.
Then, I found that the secrets I wrote in my journal often became topics of conversation with my mother.
So, like a frightened little bird, I hid the journal at the bottom of my backpack and took it with me everywhere.
But a classmate found it and pass it around in class.
That was the start of the nightmare.

Time passed. Even I don’t really remember the details.
I just remember, on that summer afternoon, the jeering, mocking crowd.
I finally knew how powerless I was to retaliate…
Also, I remember that the classmate who shared desks with me also endured much of the same on account of me.
Are our memories of our youth clearer in retrospect because of the emotional turmoil we experienced?
Is it necessary to go back to the brokenness of youth out of nostalgia?
Many years later, I left China and became a follower of Christ.
Knowing that Jesus loves me, I found that he can use everything that has happened for good.
But I couldn’t see it myself.
I knelt to the floor, asking why?
Lord, what did that 14-year-old girl do to deserve it all?
Why?
Then I remembered that in high school, out of the two piano pieces I learned, one was “Ode to Joy.”
Composer, Beethoven. Audience, Jesus Christ.
So He was with me all along, especially when I was most helpless.
Good thing He was with me, staving off the pressure of being bullied, helping me to grow.
If, one day, I am pressed on all sides, yet not struck down, it’s not because I’m strong.
It’s because, that year, Jesus gave me that feeling of helplessness, as his wonderful gift.