U turn

 David Yao

It has been quite a while that I have left the Christian faith. A lot of times I spent alone with nothing else, no one else, just alone. You must know that I am writing this in the outmost honest state of my life. I would even say that I am afraid that I might never be this honest again. You must imagine me sitting here on the floor; lock myself in a complete dark room, writing this in a complete emotional naked state. I want not to hind anything; I just want to be honest, to you, to myself, and most of all to God. And if you will, you can say that this is indeed my true confession. This writing of mine, is in a way to take back (if I can) all the things I have said in my other writing “ Confession ” . It must be admitted that I was writing the “ Confession ” as if I am screaming and yelling at God like a man who is completely out of his mind. I have said that it is emotion that has triggered me to walk away from God. Now I notice that emotion, without a clear conscious of the action, can and will lead to dangerous results that leaves nothing but more confusion, hurt, and pain. 

We call a man “ out of his mind ” when he reacts according to nothing but pure emotions (usually bad ones to some extreme). I was such a man. I have not cheated God; I have cheated myself from God. 

I have a secret. It has been sometime that I tried all I can to hide this secret from friends, family, those who care and love me, and worst of all from God (that is if ever I can hide anything from a Being who is all knowing). So here is my secret; I need God. There it is, that is my most honest answer, if not, craving. 

I cannot be kind to others without him; I cannot live without him; worst of all, I cannot even love without him. I need him as much as I need air to live, if not, more, much more. I have said this to some of my friends that leaving God is like missing a dearly loved friend, a friend who I used to be very close with. But, now, as I recall, even that is not nearly enough to describe the need of Him within me. There is something supernatural about this. I would even say that this ‘ need of him ’ is no mere ‘ need ’ (as in some void that needs to be filled); it is something that happens intrinsically, from its own nature. Let me give you a simple example to make clear of what I mean. Water can flow for no other reason other than it is water, so does a bird can fly for no other particular reason other than it is a bird. The result is only an outcome of its own nature. I need God not only because He can and will fill the void within me (although that is one reason), but also because I am a human being. There is something intrinsic within me that the other animal creatures just don ’ t have. Just as water, by nature, flows; Birds, by nature, fly; I, by nature, crave for God. 

I was not an atheist during the time I renounced my Christian faith. I was much resembled as a sad-deist. There is a God. It is as certain to me as I am aware that I am alive. Nevertheless, such realization seemed to aggravate my problem against God. It was very natural to me to push away God and distrust His fair and better judgments, especially as I have come to realize the reality of much pain and suffering. It must be said that my struggle against God has not all to do with whatever misfortunes that have happened, but has to do with my realization of the much pain and suffering that will surely arrive under the providence of a Loving Father. What seemed most frightful to me was my complete awareness that God knows all about this, but chooses to stand afar. But much to what I thought I have understood; I was wrong. 

Here is where I believe our problems of discomfort begins to pile up; this is also where I believe God awakes us. When we begin to take concern of our daily mundane life, we find that there are indeed times when we look at the pleasurable outfits we always clothed ourselves with and see something missing within. Be not surprised, times such as these may come to a man during a merry day. Perhaps it really means something, something we so often ignore and take not even the slightest notice of when we tends to hide ourselves cowardly behind the disillusion of our own happiness. And perhaps storms of life is the only way which God chooses to use to stripe away our self-satisfying outfits without violating and taking away our freedom. Perhaps then, only then, shall we truly come to our naked self and begin to realize our very nature and our child-like need of something more – God. By then, nothing else – wealth, natural relationship, ourselves – seems to matter anymore. Let us not assume that God is, in any way, helpless in helping us (perhaps “ saving us ” would be a much better term) like we are, in times, helpless to help others. As I have said, He has done it. He sacrificed everything. He wants to reach in and help us, but we (I) often shut the door against Him. He tries His best to awake our souls to Him with stings of pain and suffering, but we are bothered and do not want to be awaken from our numb sleep. He is not making us the children of poverty, we are. He weeps for us, not that He is losing something valuable, but we are losing the only valuable thing – God. 

At last I want to say pain is real, so is suffering. And I would think it is absolutely naive and ignorant for a man to say that the Christian faith has not done enough concern to such problem. It has, and not only it has, it has gave us more than we needed (or what we think we needed). What we need is comfort. There is nothing wrong in comfort itself, but there is something wrong when we make our earthly comfort the everlasting shelter. It simply has not been one and never will be. Our current comfort, merry, and joy are like tents that we often setup in the wood after a long road of traveling. Surely we can get comfort and satisfaction from it, but it should never replace our real need, which is to finally return home. We can, of course, regard such tent as our ‘ home ’ and rest well in it. But soon, with only a matter of time, we will find that this tent, no matter how strong, will not hold. The last thing that God want us to have is to be satisfied with that tent and be lost; He wants us home. Pain and suffering is that wind that pushes our tents to the extreme, sometimes even knocks over our tents and exposes us to the hard reality. It is perhaps the moth and rust that eats away our earthly treasure. It knocks us out of our numbed feelings and thoughts, it forces us to yearn and hope, it arouse within us the natural need for the everlasting. That everlasting is God. So, our Heavenly Father, if our life must face pain and suffering, and if there is simply no other ways for us to reconcile our ever restless heart onto You, and if You, and only You are our hope and life, then so be it of everything. 

I want to conclude this writing with this last part, which I find it necessary to write. I have grown more mature, wiser, and (only God truly knows) more faithful. Something puzzled me when I first realized it. I have always concluded that this leave of mine has brought me away from faith forever. I may almost never see God the same way again as any God-loving Christians would. Faith would never make any sense to me any longer. But this, somehow miraculously, is not the way I thought it would turn out. Much to the contrary, somehow I begin to slowly see the true value of Faith in God. Somehow after all this, God became more true to me than before. It is hard to explain with my mere words. It is like when I try to hold on to sand with a firm grip, the sands slips away from the intervals of my fingers. But when I lose my grip and only gently upholding the sand with an open palm, I find that I, somehow, can attain more without losing any. 

Perhaps I tried too hard to be good on my own and that God never wanted me to be good or coming to know Him on my own, for He knows that I can ’ t. I can no more do so than I can grow wings and fly. Perhaps it is only when I let go, that I begin to understand how to be filled. This is perhaps why our Lord tells us that we must die to ourselves; we must carry our own crosses. It is when, and only when, not a moment earlier, we begin to let go of our own selfish, endless, and destructive rebellion against God, then shall we cease to hold our fist again God and receive His gives of fishes and bread with an open palm. Perhaps I have even diminished the reality. Because the truth is that our Heavenly Father does not only give us fishes and breads, He gives us Himself. 

If there is one thing I am sure of, other than that I am alive, is that God matters to me more than before. It is like after walking through a long journey of troubles and problems with a friend, who at the beginning was not much familiar with me, I see the true nature of that man – his habits and traits. And I find him truly delightful, a real reliable and trustworthy friend to have. What begins as only to know about that he exists, in the end, turns out to know him. Only God is not only delightful, He is everything good. I realize that I am not coming to Christianity as a religion, I am not coming to a philosophical framework, nor I am, in a sense, coming to His sheer love, I am coming to Him, period.