Written by -- Evie Xiao Translated by Ted Zhao
I once questioned if I was a genuine Christian, I
was in doubt about whether I truly believe Jesus Christ and every truth about
him, and I was in doubt about whether I was truly saved. When I shared my
thought with other sisters, they were all surprised. Yes, I know that everybody
thinks I sought God earnestly, and that is what I appeared to be — prayer
meeting, Sunday school, fellowship, pre-bible study, small groups etc., as long
as it is a church activity, I was present 90% of the time. I was also very
active to serve in the church. I was often touched to tears by God’s word while listening to
sermons, reading and praying. And many times I felt the irrevocable longing to
follow the Lord for life. I remember at the last prayer meeting before preacher
KK left, he led us in the hymn “ With All My Love ” , the lyric goes “ with all
my love, I will worship you, with all my life, glorify your name, I give my
life, never turn away, I will love you all my days. ” At that time, I sincerely
felt that was my deepest desire; I had no question that I was a completely
devout Christian.
Being unaware of the change, I seemed to have
entered a desert. There, I cannot find an oasis; I was thirsty to the point of
death. I felt as if God was the wintery star, cold and unreachable. Those hymns
that used to bring me to tears can no longer touch my heart. The word of God
which was the satisfying bread to my soul is now tasteless to me. And prayer
has become a mindless routine.
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| a photo of Evie Xiao |
Being alone in Canada, I had much time on my own
to think about the things of God. But when I returned to China, life was filled
with all sorts of entertainment, so I put God behind. Yet, should not true
faith result in an unchanging devotion to God regardless of circumstance? So,
slowly I began to suspect that the passion I once had was merely a pursuit of
religious experience; even worse, my faith might have been a way to pass time,
a coping mechanism for loneliness. Could it be? Why? I kept asking God, praying
that He would rekindle the love and passion for Him, and to stand firm in the
truth. People tell me “ if you pray according to God ’ s will He certainly
hears you. ” I thought my prayers are very true to God ’ s will, why is He not
responding to me? I was still in the desert; like a withered tree, I felt I was
thirsting to death.
In the meantime, God showed my sins to me —
selfishness, pride, rebellion against God, ingratitude, stealing God ’ s glory,
lying without remorse and the deceptive schemes of covering the truth without
having to tell a lie. When a person is prideful, anything can be an outlet for
pride — reading the Bible, serving at church. Are these not God ’ s grace? But
I have stolen the God ’ s grace and used it as a claim on God ’ s blessing. In
this way, God led me to realize that at every instant my mind is filled with
sin and I am hopelessly incurable. Knowing that one day I shall appear before
His throne to give account, what claim will I have then? I have never been this
aware that I am nothing but a vile sinner, constantly covered in filthiness.
All of what I used to boast of was sin in God ’ s holy sight, because I was not
subject to God ’ s law. I realized that there is nothing within my own power to
love Him, I do not love Him one bit. But God Himself, 2012 years ago came to
the earth in human flesh. Every step He took was a step closer to the cross in
Calvary; it was to save a hopeless sinner like me.
I had always asked what “ look unto the cross,
look unto Jesus ” means. At that time, Jesus was a rather vague image in my
mind. Now I seemed to have grasped it a little; looking unto Jesus is coming to
know that even the entire world cannot be trusted, Jesus is trust worthy
forever. Looking unto Jesus is coming to the reality of my total corruption,
knowing my sins are unforgivable even in men ’ s sight yet Jesus ’ blood had
fully covered my sins before God, he has rescued me from the destruction at the
outpouring of God ’ s wrath. Looking unto Jesus is to truly know that His death
has brought me eternal life and His resurrection has brought me eternal hope.
Looking unto Jesus is to know even when I am doubting myself, His promises will
never be fail: “for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him
who knocks, the door will be opened.”
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