The Answer From Heavenly Father — Xiaolan Ding ’ s Testimony

Written by Xiaolan Ding Translated by Ted Zhao

I grew up in Shanghai. Because of my parents ’ divorce, I felt that I was a useless person. Every night, I restlessly lay in bed and asked God, “ Why was I born in this world? ” and “ What is the meaning of my life? ” The only Christian I knew back then was my great-grandmother in Suzhou when I was 12. She was 92 years old and bedridden. One time when I looked at her tiny room, a red cross on the wall caught my sight. She held my tender hands in her skinny hands, and mustering up all her strength she said to me, “ God bless you. ” Through these words, I experienced God for the first time.

Years later, I immigrated to Canada. The first thing I did after landing was to go to church — to the place I dreamed about back in China. My classmate brought me to Faith Chinese North American Baptist Church. On October 10th, 2010, I was baptized into the family of Christ. It was an unforgettable day. While praying before my baptism, I wept a lot. I wept because I had finally returned home.

Author's baptism photo

However, after my baptism, nothing that I prayed for came to pass. In fact, sometimes the result was exactly the opposite from what I wanted. This lasted for a long time. During the midst of this, I met someone at church. He was the first person who ever entered into my heart, but he was not a Christian. Naively I thought that he was my blessing from God; I never even considered the possibility that he was a temptation from Satan.

Humans are indeed very weak. The Bible plainly states: “ Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? ” (2 Corinthians 6:14). But at that time, there was no way I would have obeyed such a command. Day after day, I indulged my sensual desires, until suddenly, he left me. Shockingly, his reason for leaving me was that I interfered with his social life with other women. At that moment, I finally understood that we were not of the same kind. It was then I realized that I had fallen very far from God. My first experience loving someone had ended in failure. This was devastating to me. I could not understand why, after loving him with all my heart, he could hurt me so badly.

In the following months, my heart was broken and I felt beaten down; I was constantly surrounded by darkness. Praying for my grandmother was the only communication I had with God. However, I developed a fear of things turning bad after I prayed. God put me to trial once again, yet once again I was defeated. I chose to escape by numbing myself with a heavy workload.

Five months had passed by and I lived purposelessly. Although I went through all the motions, I felt like a corpse without a soul. During this period I thought about turning back to God, but an inexpressible fear rose in my heart every time I saw the cross. I was afraid because I did not obey the Father, but even more so, I was tired of living like the walking dead. Trying to recall the last time I had true joy, it was actually at church. Therefore, my desire to return to church grew ever more intensely. Indeed, I missed my sisters in Christ; I missed my church life. Finally, after much struggle, I summoned up the courage to return to church for worship.

My church experience was familiar yet strange. During the sermon, I looked up to the cross, fearing that God may not forgive me. When it was time for silent prayer, I repented with a genuine and contrite heart; I asked God to forgive the sins I committed and lead me to spiritual growth. God is truly faithful! Just a week after I returned to church, I attended an evangelistic meeting. Every word of the sermon spoke to me and it moved my penitent heart once again. How I have squandered God ’ s love! In fact, God has always been with me; he has never forsaken me! I met Him when I was a child and He has always been alongside of me. After I got baptized, I finally found my home. I should have known that I did not need to prove God ’ s presence by making demands on Him. Instead, I ought to trust in Him firmly, fix my eyes on Him, study His truth and glorify His name! Because I was blinded by my sins, I could not see God ’ s wonderful purpose. Again and again I was tested yet again and again I had disappointed God. How grieved must God be! However, He did not depart from me; it was Him who carried me through all my sufferings. Once I realized this, a vision of a burning cross appeared in my mind. I understood that this is the cross I will carry for my entire life walking the thorn-filled path towards heaven.

Eventually, I was taken back to the question again, “ What is the meaning of my existence? ” After endless pondering, I arrived at the idea of helping others. To engage in works that will help others and to spread the gospel — this is exactly what I desired. I need to live out the life of Christ. So I came to God again in prayer to seek Him, and got the answer right away: “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ” (Isaiah 41:10)

Now I am filled with the joy for having been called to strive for the glory of God.