Unconditional Love

Janet Lui

This isn’t a story to celebrate me, but to celebrate Jesus and what He has done for me and what He continues to do every day. I write this because this is my way of thanking Him for loving me and washing my sins away. I never deserved any of this for a second, yet He loves me so much that he has led me out of the darkness. I want to share with you my love for Him and how I am ready to dedicate my life to Him.

I fell away from God during the first few years of post-secondary. I didn’t feel as if I belonged in church with all the “good kids.” Christians were just too good, while I felt sinful, guilty, and ashamed every time I stepped into church. I told myself: this is not where I want to be. I didn’t want to pretend that I’m a good person. So I left altogether.

I did many things I’m not proud of—drinking a lot, partying with friends, staying out late, doing drugs, meeting boys, riding with drunk drivers… Now that I look back, things could have turned out a lot worse for me, but I see that God always had his protective hands over me. He was with me at every moment, even back then.

In those days, I thought that this was the good stuff in life and that it made me happy. But I was only doing these things to feel accepted and loved. I never realized the deep hole I was digging for myself. I fell easily into depression and turned to alcohol and drugs to help me cope. After several years, I began to feel a massive void inside of me, and I could do nothing to fill it. I felt so alone. I began thinking, Is this all there is in life—living for the weekends? I knew it couldn’t last forever.

I had friends, but even when I was surrounded by people, I still felt really lonely. No one understood what I was going through. I needed someone who would never hurt or reject me, someone who would love me for who I am, with a deep, passionate, heart-wrenching love, like the ones you see in the movies, the kind of love that makes you willing to die for the other person. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted him to love me with every last bit of his soul. I started to focus in school and stopped drinking and using drugs. I was getting myself together. Wanting a perfect boyfriend gave me a purpose to live. I thought it would fill my loneliness. But, after loving them and losing them, I felt I could never find the one.

Over a year ago, I was madly in love—so in love that the person blinded me. He turned me away from family and friends. He painted a wonderful picture our future together. I was ready to move halfway around the world for him. I thought it was love because he told me he loved me; he told me everything I wanted to hear. So I put up with a lot of his nonsense. Then one day, he just left me for no reason. The person to whom I was willing to give my life didn’t want me anymore. I learned a very painful lesson: even the person you love will disappoint, neglect, and eventually abandon you, and it’s because I wasn’t good enough. Each time I lost a boyfriend, I would look for another one, a “better” one, hoping that, this time, I’ll get it right because, if I could just find the perfect person, it will work out.

So I found another person and fell in love again. I told myself I won’t make any mistakes this time. I’ll be the most loving, caring, affectionate girlfriend, and he’ll love me back. Then it happened. One day, as I sat in my room, I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I couldn’t believe it. I asked myself, What more could I possibly need? One night, I spilled my feelings to my sister, and she said, “Janet, you really need God.”

Then it hit me: this empty feeling was God shouting out to me. Out of desperation, I took a step of faith and said I wanted to go back to God.

On the first Sunday I went to church, the lyrics we sang really expressed to God what was in my heart. I realized that God will always take me back no matter what condition I’m in. I realized that I am nothing without Him. He’s the only one who can save me because no boyfriend, no one on this earth can do for what He did. I never really understood the message of Jesus coming to this earth and dying for our sins, so that we could have eternal life. When I finally understood it, I broke down. He died to give me a new life, a second chance. I pictured one of my closest friends, dying in my place, and I could only cry. Jesus is a fool for wanting me because, even when I constantly rejected Him, He still came the moment I needed Him and told me he loves me and is holding onto me.

He’s the person I was looking for all my life, the One who can fill this emptiness in my soul. Before even though I was smiling on the outside and had everything I wanted, deep down inside, my heart was so broken. My entire life had felt pointless and was filled with pain. Nothing I did gave me what I was searching for. I realized how easy it was to put God last and myself first. I used to get angry and say things that hurt people around me. I lack self-control and consideration for others; I am very selfish. I didn’t like the person I had become. I want to change now, and it’s not going to be easy, but God is on my side and He will help me get through. Going back to God was the best decision I’ve made. The moment I finally understood Jesus’ love for me, it changed my heart. A lot of my friends are asking what happened to me?

It’s something truly indescribable. I felt whole and at peace. He made me new again. I’ve never felt such joy in my life. It’s not something a person can do; only God can. I didn’t have to change myself to be accepted or do things to be loved, He just took me the way I am and told me that I’m the most precious thing to Him.

After I started going to church, God showed me how much I needed Him. I see God working through the people in my life and through prayer. Talking to Him really comforts me. He speaks to me when I pray and when I read the Bible. He understands the pain and the rejection that I felt. He listens to my every word. About a month ago, I was going through a very rough period and I cried out to God for answers. He spoke to me through Scripture.

Philippians 4:12-13 was written by Apostle Paul when he was in prison: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” 

I learned that no matter what my circumstances are, no matter how tough or painful life is, I have to praise God because, through him, I can do everything. I know I will fall in the future, but I know every time I fall, God will pick me up. I’m so grateful He is willing to take me back each time. He’s really beautiful like that.

He has truly given me more than I never deserved, more than what I ask for now. He’s walking with me every day. I’d be driving alone in my car and have the biggest smile on my face because I know He’s with me and loves me. He satisfies my soul. He’s my power source, my comfort, my shield, my guidance, my friend, my Father, my love, my everything!

I have learned so much in the last few months. I’ve finally found direction and purpose for my life. I used to be so worried about the future, about making money and having a good life. Now I know that without God my life will never be good. I’ve stopped looking and wanting more. I just want to follow Him—He’s all I need. He’ll take care of everything else. I’ve realized that all the things in this world do not matter.

The world needs so much love. Only God is big enough to give that much love. I don’t know what God is planning for me, but I am not going to ignore him anymore. I know I can’t save the world—it’s not for me to save. I just hope that all my friends will find Him. All you need to do is to take that first step. I promise you that if you don’t have to look too far to find Him. He’s been waiting for you.

My friends, my brothers and sisters, I couldn’t possibly have changed so much if it was all make believe. It’s not possible. For me, it’s not just about faith, it’s also about facts. In school, they teach you to do research and look for answers. It’s been five years since I started looking. I used to doubt so much, but now I’m confident that the only answer I need is Jesus.

He’s the love of my life. I’m so happy that He has chosen me. I am a child of God, and I am born again.

I’d like to conclude with Psalm 27:1. “The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?”